MELISSA ALLEN by Bradley Sands

Bradley Sands probably needs no introduction here. He is a legend of Bizarro fiction, and has written such classics as TV Snorted My Brain, It Came From Below The Belt, and his most recent from Eraserhead Press, Dodgeball High, was a hysterical dodgeball-to-the-face blast!

It’s available on


I recently saw that Bradley was running a special promotion where for only $5.00 you could send three facts about yourself and he would write a surreal prose-poem about you. So, I sent him three facts about my wife, Melissa, and this is the poem.

It’s insane, and she seemed confused by it, absolutely loved it!

Thank you, Bradley

Jason Wayne Allen



Bradley Sands

Melissa Allen takes a vacation to Planet Purple Zebra Print. She’s having a great time, until someone’s purple zebra print underwear turns black. When the government is unable to prevent this news from spreading, the planet’s inhabitants completely lose their shit and prepare for Armageddon. News correspondent Zippy McPrint is broadcasting live from downtown New Zebra when Melissa Allen grabs his microphone and yells, “It’s just black and white underwear! It isn’t the end of the world!” Struggling to get the microphone back, Zippy says, “Please, miss. I need to finish my report on people rioting in the streets and refusing to return their library books.” “I know how to solve your problem,” Melissa says. “How?” Zippy asks. “I’ll do it for all the expensive handbags in the world.” Melissa Allen puts on a ninja costume and breaks into a secret, high-security storage facility. She burns the black zebra print underwear until nothing is left except memories of pandemonium and replaces it with a pair of purple zebra print underwear. Then she gets in touch with the planet’s government to inquire about her fee. But… purple zebra print skyscrapers collapse onto purple zebra print people, purple zebra print bridges and dams explode, purple zebra print lava rains down upon the cities, purple zebra print condoms break, resulting in the conception of children that will never see the light of the purple zebra print sun. Melissa flees the planet in an escape pod. As she watches it blow up, she reflects back upon her exciting, wonderful vacation and how she’s really looking forward to going back home to play Nintendo.

Bradley Sands is an author of bizarro fiction. He wrote Dodgeball High, TV Snorted My Brain, Rico Slade Will F*cking Kill You, Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy, and other books.

Visit him at


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